


Love Is Worry

by donniedont



Series: Picking Up The Pieces [4]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternative Universe - MMORPG, Communication, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MMORPGs, Married Life, Mental Health Issues, Pets, Rats, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:09:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donniedont/pseuds/donniedont
Summary: Dimitri kissed back, only stopping when Dedue pulled away and said, “I think it might be beneficial that we returned to our discussion about having a pet.   I think it could be good for both of us to have a companion that will love us unconditionally, even when we are working on ourselves.”Dimitri fumbled for Dedue’s chest, brushing his knuckles against it to find his heartbeat.  He felt it drum steady and alive before he said, “I just… I can’t make such a commitment.  You know that.”Married life has its fair share of struggles.  A sequel to "All The Kings's Men" by scatteringmyashes.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro
Series: Picking Up The Pieces [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575832
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	Love Is Worry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scatteringmyashes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatteringmyashes/gifts).



> I am so honored to be able to write something set in the canon of Picking Up The Pieces (AKA All The King's Men universe!). If you aren't familiar with the series, I would strongly recommend reading ["All The King's Men" by scatteringmyashes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20480501) before reading this fic! 
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH to Elliot for letting me play in your sandbox for a bit! Your original fic allowed me to connect with so many people (including you!) and being able to pay homage to it is absolutely surreal. I hope I did justice to the world you have created.
> 
>  **Content Warnings:** Mental health issues (verbal outbursts, fear of abandonment, depressive episodes, visual and verbal hallucinations), discussion of a character dealing with a terminal illness (specifically struggling to breathe/needing an inhaler)

Dimitri forgot to take the standing mixer out of the box.

He only remembered when Dedue returned to his apartment, his keys swinging into the palm of his hand. 

Dimitri was actually fairly lucid during the day. Most of it was devoted to grinding on  _ Fire Emblem _ , every Blue Lion seemingly occupied by their jobs or school obligations. Even then, the water bottle positioned at the edge of his computer desk was too full to suggest that he was maintaining very well. He immediately grabbed it, taking an inelegant gulp from it with enough force that it burned his throat.

He heard Dedue move around the apartment, his footsteps light, but deliberate as he poked his head into the office. 

Dimitri yanked the water bottle away from his mouth, making an exaggerated popping noise. “Welcome back, my love,” Dimitri said, smiling nervously.

Dedue raised his eyebrows for a brief moment, even though he still closed the gap between them to kiss the top of Dimitri’s head. 

“How was work?” Dimitri asked. Dedue lingered close to him, Dimitri allowing him to take in his scent, even if the stale smell of the nursing home that clung to his clothes. 

“A bit hectic today,” Dedue said. He kissed the side of Dimitri’s face before glancing at the screen. “Would you like to join me in the kitchen?”

Dimitri thought about the standing mixer, which was definitely languishing in its box on top of the counter. He still smiled, nodding his head before he put his headphones away, logging out of the game for before trailing behind Dedue. 

The walk to the kitchen was agonizing. He hopped on another counter, unintentionally giving himself the perfect spot to watch Dedue walk toward the counter, look at the box, and sigh. Dedue seemed to entirely crumple up over himself, slowly reanimating enough to murmur, “Dimitri, did you forget to put this away?”

Dimitri immediately brought his hand to his lip. He found a flake of skin and began to pull at it. His stomach dropped the moment he heard the hurt in Dedue’s voice. The disappointment. He half-expected to hear voices scold him for such a transgression, but instead it was his own internal voice telling him that he was a failure of a companion, that Dedue worked too hard to deal with this, that he was so hurt that he would finally leave.

“ _ Dimitri _ ,” Dedue said, his voice more strained than it should be.

Dimitri gripped on the edge of the counter, barring his teeth for a brief moment before he snapped, “ _ What _ ?” 

Dedue took a deep breath and Dimitri held his own, wondering if this was the moment Dedue was going to open up the closet, grab a bag, and go. Maybe he already had something packed. It wasn’t like Dedue was going to struggle with finding someone to take him in. Anybody would be happy to have him as a houseguest, even under duress.

“I’m not angry,” Dedue said, “I just asked you to do something and I was hoping it would be done when I came back.”

Dimitri bristled, his grip on the counter tightening enough for it to ache in his hands. He opened his mouth and before he could even pause to consider his words he yelled, “I get it, I’m useless!”

Dedue flinched, but he made no effort to run away. “You’re not useless,” he said, his voice steady and nearly silent compared to Dimitri’s outburst.

“But I am,” Dimitri shot back, his voice cracking. He covered his mouth, unshed tears prickling his eye. “I just… sit around doing nothing all day.” His voice was quieter now, but it sounded rough in his mouth. He laughs bitterly, wondering if it was because he wasn’t one to yell or because of the horrendous state of his lungs.

“It’s not that you do nothing,” Dedue said, “I am not saying you do nothing. I just ask you to balance your obligations with some tasks that I need taken care of when I’m gone.”

Tears began to spill from Dimitri’s eye, his hands torn between wiping them away or covering his mouth to muffle the sob that was lurking deep inside him. He chose to try to ball himself up, folding his legs and trying to bury his face in his thighs. It was nearly inevitable that a coughing spell tumbled out of his throat, having to untuck himself to allow his body to spasm.

Dedue reached over, his hand connecting with Dimitri’s knee before Dimitri launched himself off the counter, stumbling over himself before he escaped to the bedroom. He slammed the door with a flourish, the wooden sign Dedue put up when he formally moved in clattering against it. Dimitri pressed his hands on the door, leaning forward and coughing, unable to take a breath deep enough to steady himself.

Among the furious chorus of coughs, Dimitri could hear footsteps. He noted a shadow dancing along the gap between the floor and the door.

“Your inhaler is on the nightstand,” Dedue said. He made no effort to enter the room.

Dimitri nodded, even if Dedue couldn’t see him. He spotted the inhaler right where Dedue said it would be. He grabbed it, going through the motions like muscle memory as he returned to the door, sliding down against it once his breathing stabilized. 

He felt the door press against him as it sounded like Dedue was sitting against the door, as well. Dimitri wiped at his face, snuffling inelegantly. He rubbed his face raw, making him wonder how much time had actually passed. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He wasn’t even certain what he was specifically apologizing for at this point, but he hoped it could be an appropriate placeholder for if he was ever going to be able to go through each transgression he caused during the entirety of their relationship.

“May I speak?” Dedue asked. Dimitri couldn’t pick up any apprehension in his voice. It was a little easier to trust without any visual accompanying the statement.

“Yes,” Dimitri replied.

“Could you humor me and look at your rings when I speak to you?” Dedue asked.

Dimitri brought his hand down, staring at the rings stacked on his finger. He twisted them, immediately catching himself and pulling his other hand away to keep staring at them.

“I was frustrated by the standing mixer not being out, because I had asked you several times to do it this week,” Dedue said. 

Dimitri looked up from the rings. Did he? He couldn’t recall, but he had no reason to deny it. He felt another sob begin to bubble deep within himself and he quickly looked down at the rings again. 

Dedue shifted against the door and added, “I could have been a bit more… tactful… in my response. But I do think that it is… important… that I can express some form of disappointment when you do not complete a task when I ask you to.” There was a silence between them for a moment, Dimitri feeling the hair standing on the back of his neck. Dedue added, “If you can’t… it’s okay. But I would like just. Some form of acknowledgement. That’s all I ask.”

Dimitri stared at his rings, clenching his fist and unclenching it. He couldn’t tell if he was guilty or receptive, but it sounded reasonable. 

Dimitri started a response, hearing it sound like a croak. He cleared his throat before he said, “Understood.”

“May I make a request?” Dedue asked.

“Of course,” Dimitri replied.

“Is it possible we can continue this conversation off the floor? This is… quite uncomfortable on my back.”

Dimitri swung the door open, catching Dedue as he fell through the doorway. He hugged him tightly before he helped Dedue up, the two of them moving toward the bed with limbs shaking like baby deer.

*

Dimitri woke up feeling strange weight on his chest and waist. He squinted just over Dedue’s arm to note that it was seven o’clock and without an alarm going off, he hoped it was seven at night. He rubbed at his eye, his mouth feeling as fuzzy as his mind attempted to wake up. His stirring was enough to have Dedue wake up, tightening his grip around Dimitri before he whispered, “I’m so sorry I fell asleep.”

Dimitri shook his head, pressing his face against Dedue’s neck before he said, “Don’t apologize. I fell asleep, as well.”

Dedue separated from him, covering his mouth as he yawned comically loud. “I should get dinner together.”

“We can get take out if you’re too tired,” Dimitri suggested.

“No, it’s fine,” Dedue murmured. He yawned again, undoing his ponytail and running his fingers through his hair. 

They carefully pulled their limbs apart, Dedue the first to get out of bed and Dimitri following behind him. They returned to the kitchen, which looked unharmed from their conflict aside from the box that was still positioned on the counter.

Dedue opened his mouth and Dimitri began rushing toward it, carefully yanking it out of the box and pulling apart the styrofoam casing that surrounded it. Dedue worked around him, making a quick salad and chicken wordlessly. Eventually, Dimitri turned toward Dedue and asked, “Is this all right?”

Dedue glanced up from his work and nodded. “Oh, yes. That’s fine,” he replied, returning his focus to his work so abruptly, Dimitri didn’t even know how to react.

Dimitri focused on angling the mixer just so among their other appliances. His throat was tight, a word ready to be screamed. He swallowed it down, but he couldn’t deny how terrified he was that the desire was there.

It wasn’t like him to lash out. Not enough to raise his voice, at least. He had been upset enough to run away for varying distances, but the thought that the monsters that lurked deep within him screamed at someone he loved was unsettling.

Dedue placed a plate down, the sound loud enough to rattle the two of them. Dedue quietly apologized and Dimitri nodded his head, too scared to speak.

*

Balance, or something like it, was achieved in the Blaiddyd-Molinaro household by the next morning. Dimitri noted that Dedue had made no effort to ask him to take on any tasks when he was at work, but he appreciated the truce too much to bring it up. 

It was a relief that they had a raid planned with the Blue Lions a few days later. Even if Dimitri’s mind was still wandering in thoughts about the fight at times, his mind was at ease with Dedue set up nearby. Their communication was always clear as could be when they played  _ Fire Emblem.  _ In many ways their communication flourished there, the two of them jumping from in-person, to typing, to voice chat with relative ease.

Right now their communication was primarily typing, their group chat active as they waited for Ashe to show up. He had said that he was printing out articles at his school’s computer lab and that he would be back soon. It was understandable, but Dimitri was ready to get started. He was anxious to hear everyone’s voices, but resistant for suggesting everyone to go on just yet.

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: wait wait wait  
_ _ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: are you already getting assignments???  
_ _ [guild] ashetreearrows: Of course I am! I have to read three articles a week for this class alone. _ _ [guild] knightedfreya: Sylvain.  
_ _ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: yes??? :)  
_ _ [guild] knightedfreya: It’s three weeks into the semester.  
_ _ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: and???  
_ _ [guild] ashetreearrows: …………….  
_ _ [guild] ofduscur: …………….  
_ _ [guild] [Mod] Byleth: …………  
_ _ [guild] yumyum: (•ิ_•ิ)? _

Dimitri laughed, glancing over at Dedue.  __

“I don’t understand why she bothers,” Dedue murmured, rolling his eyes.

“They’ve always been like this,” Dimitri reminded him, “Even when we were younger.”

“He’s a…” Dedue started. He turned to his computer again and immediately began typing.

_ [guild] ofduscur: Ingrid, he’s a senior in college. I think he can make his own mistakes.  
_ _ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: let the record state that FELIX JUST AGREED WITH YOU?!?!?! _

Nobody typed a message for a moment, as if they were all anticipating that Felix was taking the time to strike Sylvain for revealing such a vulnerability. 

_ [guild] luckystrike: You saw nothing. _

Dimitri just hoped he threw something soft at him.

_ [guild] ofduscur: Ah, can someone please refresh my memory as to what we were talking about? _

Dimitri laughed again, immediately grabbing his water bottle and taking a sip in hopes of abating a coughing spell. 

It was hard to deny that he had a rush when he saw Dedue and Felix forging some kind of relationship together. It was difficult to refer to it as anything but that, as if labeling it a friendship would be a bit too premature for the two of them. He understood that they would probably never be as close as the other dynamics in the guild, but there was something reassuring about them having anything.

Dimitri furrowed his eyebrows. He hated when his mind got to this place. This idea of having to place people a certain way, before the time that he was unable to run any form of interference between all of them. He tried to take a deep breath, frustrated when he coughed in reaction to it. He refused to look over at Dedue, but he could tell by how he shifted in his chair that he was ready to jump in to help.

_ [guild] knightedfreya: Sylvain, I know you’re an adult, but I’m not going to ignore whenever you reveal your failures.  
_ _ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: oof  
_ _ [guild] ashetreearrows: Uh…  
_ _ [guild] ashetreearrows: Well, anyway, I printed out my articles? So I’ll be on my computer soon.  
_ _ [guild] yumyum: Yay! Have a safe walk!  
_ _ [guild] ladyofmercy: Don’t check your phone when crossing the street!  
_ _ [guild] yumyum: YEAH DON’T DO THAT!  
_ _ [guild] ladyofmercy: Dimitri, are you here? We haven’t heard from you, so I wanted to check! _

Dimitri pressed his lips together. He knew that he was quiet, but it was embarrassing to admit that he didn’t have anything to say. It happened sometimes. As much as  _ Fire Emblem _ was an escape, it was also an anchor that allowed him to stay connected and present in conversations. But when the conversation went outside of those parameters into things he could never experience, he sometimes found himself lost.

_ [guild] luckystrike: The topic isn’t relevant to his interests, he’ll start talking once we get the raid set up. _

Dimitri locked in on that comment. He clenched his jaw with enough force that his back teeth ached. 

“He’s just joking,” Dedue reminded him.

“It’s not something to joke about!” Dimitri hissed.

“Dimitri…” Dedue started, but Dimitri was already slamming his fingers against the keyboard.

_ [guild] theboarprince: thats not at all why i was quiet.  
_ _ [guild] theboarprince: please dont make such horrible assumptions about me. _

He yanked his headphones off his head, tossing them against his keyboard. He curled up on his chair, spinning it away from the computer screen to avoid seeing anybody’s response. He heard Dedue typing a response and approaching him, staying low to the ground as he hovered his hand by Dimitri. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Dedue asked.

Dimitri shook his head.

“I am the first to criticize Felix. You know this,” Dedue pointed out, “But I really do think that he was making a poor joke.”

Dimitri thought about moving, but even when he thought to move his limbs, they weren’t cooperating. At least Dedue didn’t make any effort to put his hand on him. The thought of another person touching him made his skin burn. 

Dedue held his position for an agonizingly long moment before he returned to his computer. 

“Byleth wants to speak to you,” Dedue noted, “If you have the capacity to.”

Dimitri nodded, turning his chair and fumbling to close the guild chat and see that Byleth had reached out. Dimitri had considered Byleth a friend for awhile at this point and somehow he still felt like he was being asked to stay after class. 

_ [Conversation with [Mod] Byleth] _

_ [whisper] [Mod] Byleth: If you are looking for affirmation, I did not find your silence to be disinterest.  
_ _ [whisper] [Mod] Byleth: That said, I am concerned that you are quiet now. _

Dimitri took a deep breath. He admired Byleth’s ability to just get to the point. There was no need to figure out what their intentions were, because they were always so clear and easy to read. 

_ [whisper] theboarprince: im sorry for acting that way.  
_ _ [whisper] theboarprince: it was entirely out of line.  
_ _ [whisper] [Mod] Byleth: It probably was not the best response.  _

Dimitri glanced up, watching Dedue focus on his own computer. He faced his own computer again, staring at his keyboard and weighing the options of putting the thoughts swirling in his mind into words.

_ [whisper] theboarprince: i have been very short recently. im not entirely certain as to why.   
_ _ [whisper] theboarprince: i have been snapping at everybody including dedue. its worrisome. _   
_ [whisper] [Mod] Byleth: Is this something you feel comfortable bringing up with your therapist?  _

Dimitri truly considered this question. His relationship with Lynn was far more amicable than the lengthy list of therapists he interacted with before he ended up in her office. Even then, he could hardly recall a time that she asked him if he had an agenda for the session and he had some form of talking points in mind. He ran his tongue against his lip, feeling the scabbed over patches that he ripped earlier in the week.

_ [whisper] theboarprince: i can try.  
_ _ [whisper] [Mod] Byleth: I think that might be the best approach. _

Dimiti grabbed his water bottle, squeezing it as he took another gulp. He remembered that they were supposed to have a raid and he felt a rock in his stomach even thinking of trying to talk to Felix without getting his feelings worked out regarding this. He leaned back on his chair, bringing his hand to the back of his head. He felt his ponytail bump against the tips of his fingers, focusing on the sensation before he said, “I think I’m going to sit this raid out.”

Dedue hummed. “Are you certain?” he asked.

“I’m tired,” Dimitri said, “I just… I don’t think I won’t be much use feeling like this. Please go on without me.” He got up, Dedue reaching out toward him. Dimitri slotted himself close to Dedue, tilting his head and trying to figure out what Dedue was about to say.

“I’ll check in on you after I’m done,” Dedue said, “I promise.”

Dimitri nodded, leaning in to kiss Dedue’s forehead. He felt Dedue squeeze his arm and they bonked their heads affectionately before he left the office, making his way to the bedroom.

The bedroom had undergone some changes since Dedue moved in. The furniture had not changed, aside from an extra nightstand for Dedue. But even then, it felt like an entirely different space. Dedue enjoyed physical sentimentality in a way that Dimitri did not, complete with flowers from their wedding pressed and framed, plants with hand decorated pots, and cute organization systems to keep their items accounted for. 

There were an embarrassing amount of nights that Dimitri woke up and he didn’t even know where he was. He felt mortified as he came down, eventually realizing that this was very much his room and Dedue had every right to make this space his own.

He flopped across the bed, not even caring to get under the bed covers as he stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t even bother turning on the lights, hoping that he couldn’t have his mind conjure up visions to make this night even worse.

Even in the darkness, he still felt that he was being watched. Shadows, or what looked like shadows, shifted and he couldn’t help but turn his head at every movement. 

Of course he was being watched. The errors he made on this night alone were numerous. Not only was it another day that he worried Dedue, but he had snapped at Felix and made no effort to even find out how he felt about it. He slipped his hand in the pocket of his joggers, feeling his phone in it. He slipped it out, the glow of the screen straining his eyes for a moment before he fumbled to readjust it. 

He scrolled through his contact list, which was admittedly sparse aside from the various specialists he had to see regularly. His finger hovered over Felix’s name for a brief moment before he clicked on it, his fingers typing out a message before he could even remotely think through whatever points he may want to get across.

_ Me: hello felix. i just want to let you know that i am sorry for acting the way i did in the group chat. that was entirely unbecoming and i just hope you now that i appreciate you so much and know that you did not mean any harm from that comment. i do not mean to beg but i hope you can forgive me for reacting with such malice. i understand that you may not respond to this but it would be appreciated.  _

Dimitri placed the phone near his head, curling up on his side to watch it as if he wasn’t absolutely certain that it was set to vibrate. The phone was silent, his mind cycling through all the possible scenarios of how Felix felt flashing through his mind until he reminded himself that if Dedue went through with his request, they would be in the middle of a raid right now. There would be no need to expect a response, because he probably didn’t even realize that he had a text message yet.

Dimitri still stared at the phone, trying to ignore that the shadows were becoming more defined and taking up more of his vision until he heard a knock on the door.

“It’s Dedue,” Dedue greeted, “We just finished.”

“Come in,” Dimitri said weakly. Dedue pushed the door open immediately, not even bothering to turn on the light before he fit himself against Dimitri. Dimitri pressed himself closer to Dedue, relieved when his arms wrapped around him. 

“How did the raid go?” Dimitri asked.

“We did well,” Dedue said, “You were missed nonetheless.”

Dimitri nodded, even if he wasn’t sure Dedue could see. His phone vibrated, the screen glowing with Felix’s response. Dimitri grabbed it, opening up the message and trying to tilt his phone away from Dedue’s view.

_ Felix: Yeah sure whatever apology accepted. Just don’t miss the next raid. _

Dimitri wished he felt relief, but even then he wasn’t certain. He contemplated a response until he felt Dedue’s lips pressed against his neck. Dimitri yelped, rubbing the spot he kissed as Dedue placed his phone on his nightstand. It was a cheap, but effective trick. 

*

“So what would you like us to focus on today?” Lynn asked.

Dimitri glanced up from his hands, which were currently twisted together in some complicated puzzle. “Oh…” Dimitri started. He cleared his throat, clenching his hands enough that they began to ache. 

“Again, an agenda is not wholly necessary, but it would be helpful to make this session be the best for you.”

Dimitri nodded. “I understand,” he said, hoping that he didn’t come off accusatory. He cleared his throat again and said, “I would like to… talk about something. I suppose. An observation, if you will.”

Lynn adjusted the notepad in her lap, clicking her pen and bringing the tip of it close to the page. “Could you tell me about this observation?”

“Yes,” Dimitri said, focusing on his fingers again. He noticed the glint of his rings and twisted them, feeling the metal against his skin. “I am becoming extraordinary short lately. I got…” He searched for the correct emotion. It was a skill that he struggled with often, at one point leaving a session with a packet of worksheets that listed out emotions and the way his body might react when he feels them. He didn’t have the heart to tell his therapist that it made him feel inhuman.

“Angry,” he said. 

“Could you provide me some context?” Lynn asked.

Dimitri took a breath, recalling the incident with Dedue. He couldn’t bring himself to look up, even though he knew that Lynn was furiously writing down notes. He tried his best to stick to the facts of the incident.

“And what made you feel angry about this incident?” she asked. Her voice was neutral, the pen finally taking a pause from taking scrupulous notes. 

He brought his hand to his lip, yanking at it until he heard Lynn shift. It was enough to remind himself that his lip was already shredded before he came in for his appointment. He hummed to himself, trying to recall the altercation, even if he already could feel his heart racing as if he was in the moment again.

“I… maybe I didn’t feel anger,” he said. Lynn tilted her head. “I… I forgot to put something away after Dedue told me to. Several times. And he sounded so disappointed all I could think about was…” He felt his eye prickle and he immediately brought his hand to it, hoping he could abate the tears, even if there was a strategically placed tissue box nearby. “...All I could think about was that this was it. He was going to leave. And I just. Didn’t know what to do.” 

Lynn’s pen raced across her notebook, her face seemingly unreadable. Dimitri leaned back on the couch, hating how stiff it was. The original couch was replaced recently and he still wasn’t over it. It felt like a ridiculous thing to bring up, so he never bothered.

“Is that bad?” Dimitri asked.

Lynn finally stopped moving her pen. “Is what bad?” she asked.

“Thinking he will leave.” Dimitri stared at his scuffed up sneakers, bumping his toes together. “Thinking everyone will leave.”

“Good and bad tend to not be the most productive quantifiers,” Lynn said, “The feelings you are speaking to are valid. It’s the way that you handle these feelings that can be a discussion point.”

Dimitri found himself engaged enough that he was willing to take his phone out to take notes, typing as fast as he could in the notes app. There were new terms that she was using and he wanted to make sure he had everything correct, the fear of another blow out motivating him. 

“So let’s review what your plan is for this week,” Lynn suggested, “How about you tell me what the plan is in your own words.”

Dimitri put his phone in his lap to twist his rings several times before he picked his phone up again. “I need to apologize while taking accountability for my actions.” He glanced up at Lynn and was relieved when she nodded. He quickly returned to his list and said, “I need to make space for myself to process emotions before I react to them.” Another nod. “I should have a conversation with Dedue about ways to further anchor our relationship in ways that will remind me that he won’t leave.” 

“You have a big week ahead of you,” Lynn noted.

“Don’t I ever…” Dimitri started.

“Take it one step at a time and we will talk about it next week.”

Dimitri stared at the list again and tried his best to pull the corners of his lips as an attempt at a smile.

*

Dimitri slid the door to the balcony open, closing it behind him. It was a warm day, but Dimitri knew they weren’t going to last, the first frost potentially rolling in later on in the week. For now, he admired Dedue’s hard work in livening up the space. He was apparently unaware that the balcony even existed, only discovering it when he pulled the curtains open one morning. After Dedue sputtering that he had helped Dimitri move in and somehow didn’t realize it, Dimitri encouraged him to claim the space as his own, allowing it to be the perfect spot for a variety of his plants and a pair of simple, but sturdy chairs they sat on when the weather allowed for it. 

Right now, it was the best stage Dimitri could have to get himself to attempt to call Felix and properly apologize. He had rehearsed the conversation in his head several times, even though he was well aware that no rehearsal could truly anticipate the movement of the hurricane that was Felix Hugo Fraldarius. He leaned against the railing, feeling the dull warmth of the setting sun against his skin. Even with the warm weather, the days were still getting shorter.

He knew he had to see this through. He had already told Dedue that he was going to do it and he was certain that Dedue would not let it slide. He sat at one of the seats, propping his feet up on the other as he grabbed his phone from his pocket. He clicked on Felix’s name and hit dial before he could even begin to reconsider it.

The phone rang several times, cut off by Felix snapping, “What?”

It was a typical response, but Dimitri still flinched. He reminded himself that Felix picking up at all was somewhat promising. He rubbed at his chin, wincing when he realized he forgot to shave that day. 

“I wanted to check in,” Dimitri said, trying to keep his tone light.

“About what?” Felix asked. He sounded like he was banging around. Dimitri couldn’t quite identify what he was doing. 

“About… about when we tried to raid two days ago. When I… I snapped at you like I did.” Suddenly he felt ridiculous. He always felt things too much, was it possible that he could exaggerate how much harm he was inflicting on others?

“Oh, that.” Felix opened up a door and closed it. 

Dimitri took it as a cue to continue. “I wanted to properly apologize after truly reflecting on my actions. I was out of line. I made an assumption and lashed out as opposed to properly examining the context of what was happening.”

“I don’t disagree,” Felix said. 

Dimitri pressed his lips together, feeling a rock of disappointment on his chest. No apology for the comments he made. He shook his head, reminding himself that wasn’t the purpose of this. “I just… I want to let you know that I’m trying to take accountability for my actions by truly examining my emotions and how to better regulate them.” He could anticipate Felix snapping at him, causing him to sputter, “B-by listening to my therapist. She has some really good recommendations I’m trying to follow.”

“At least there’s a plan, I guess,” Felix mumbled.

Dimitri felt like he could see red in the corners of his eyes. He swallowed down the temptation to snap back at him or worse, to beg him to accept the apology. All Dimitri could do was nod his head, remember Felix couldn’t see, and whisper, “Yeah. Yeah there is. Thank you for listening.”

“Yeah, sure. Have a goodnight.”

Dimitri only came up with ways to keep the conversation once Felix hung up. 

*

Dimitri couldn’t bring himself to apologize to Dedue until they were getting ready for bed. Dimitri was already under the covers, watching Dedue as he changed into a threadbare sleep shirt before joining him in bed. Dimitri latched himself onto Dedue’s back, pressing his cheek against his back as Dedue reached over to turn off the lamp on his nightstand. 

He could hear Dedue take a breath, presumably saying goodnight. Dimitri cut him off, saying, “Could I… wait…” halfway into his back.

Dedue froze. He placed a hand over Dimitri’s, rubbing his thumb along the side of it. “I’m listening,” he said.

“I know I apologized to Felix today. But… I also have to apologize to you,” he said. Dedue began to make a soft circle against his skin. “I… I can’t speak to you like I did earlier this week. I need to do better.” He tightened his grip around Dedue. “I  _ will _ do better.”

“I know you will,” Dedue said. He was quiet for a long moment before he asked, “While we are having conversations like this, may I bring up something?”

Dimitri felt his heart begin to pound. He tried his best to stay in the moment, reminding himself that digging his nails into Dedue would not make him any more or less grounded in that moment. “Yes?” he asked.

“I think that it’s important that we potentially bring up a conversation point we had several months ago.”

Dimitri’s mind was swirling with possibilities as to what the topic could be. “Which… which point, my love?” he asked.

“Can you release me?” Dedue asked.

Dimitri loosened his grip on him. He felt Dedue turn to face Dimitri, searching for his face before grabbing his chin and placing a gentle kiss on the lips. Dimitri kissed back, only stopping when Dedue pulled away and said, “I think it might be beneficial that we returned to our discussion about having a pet. I think it could be good for both of us to have a companion that will love us unconditionally, even when we are working on ourselves.”

Dimitri fumbled for Dedue’s chest, brushing his knuckles against it to find his heartbeat. He felt it drum steady and alive before he said, “I just… I can’t make such a commitment. You know that.”

“I don’t wish to be ignorant to the fact that we are working with a limited time,” Dedue said, “But I think if there’s anything we can do to make sure the time we have is the best it can be… we should go for it.” He leaned in to kiss Dimitri’s forehead, keeping his face close. “It’s also why I want to push again for rats.”

Dimitri closed the gap between the two of them, attempting to fit his head against Dedue’s shoulder, even if he was certain it was uncomfortable for the both of them. Dedue had made the case for rats in the midst of that conversation. They were social creatures that lived in complex family units and, as morbid as it sounded, lived short enough that they seemed reasonable for Dimitri to own. But the conversation paused when their wedding took precedence and they never quite returned to it.

“Even then,” Dimitri said, “I don’t want to… leave you responsible for them if they outlive me.”

“I don’t mean to speak so frankly about these things, but I think having them to keep me company would be quite helpful for me.”

Dimitri felt his stomach flip. It was getting easier talking about death. Perhaps it helped that Dedue seemed to be comfortable enough with that reality. There was always going to be sadness regarding the concept, but it was a reality in their relationship. There were their likes and dislikes, where they were comfortable being touched, and the fact that sooner than anyone would want, Dimitri was more likely to die before Dedue due to a terminal illness. Even Dimitri, who tended to wallow over every single thing was learning to not have it yank him off the path he was trying to create with Dedue, even if it was going to be short. 

“I think I can agree to that,” Dimitri whispered. Dedue kissed the crown of his head, Dimitri tilting his head and clumsily trailing his lips along Dedue’s face. He captured his lips in a kiss, focusing on the way that Dedue would sigh and move against him as opposed to the whispers of judgement in his ear. Dimitri felt Dedue shift onto his back and he rolled on top, his thighs hugging his waist. 

Dedue grunted, breaking the kiss. “We need to make sure the apartment is ready for rats before we can look at listings.”

“Understood,” Dimitri said. He went in for another kiss and Dedue evaded him, bumping his head gently against Dimitri’s.

“I need  _ you  _ to do some things to make sure the apartment is ready.”

“That makes perfect sense,” Dimitri murmured. He was able to kiss Dedue’s nose, immediately giggling afterwards.

“I will make a list for you and post it on your computer to make sure you don’t forget.” Dedue kissed him this time, tentatively on the lips.

“Thank you, my beloved,” Dimitri said, grateful that Dedue kissed him openmouthed and willing to stop the conversation.

*

It took multiple copies of the list posted at various points in the apartment, but the tasks were done. The apartment was reorganized, complete with a spot in the living room that was filled by a large cage that they spent an evening putting together, marveling at their handiwork for several minutes before they opened up Petfinder and began checking the availability of rats in their area.

Dimitri had began spending a sizable amount of waking hours researching rats. It made him remember that he deep down enjoyed learning things, even if there wasn’t much point in going to school considering his diagnosis. He quickly developed an understanding of temperaments, optimized cage layouts, and fur types. 

He had enough confidence that he pointed out a listing for a trio of boys nearly instantly with bright red eyes and dark smudges against their cream colored fur. “What do you think of them?” he asked, passing his phone to Dedue.

Dedue studied them, scrolling down to read their information. “They’re easy to get to,” he noted. He hummed to himself, rubbing his chin. “Red eyes mean they can’t really see, right?”

“Yes,” Dimitri confirmed, “But they tend to have low vision in general. We may have to make sure we don’t change the cage layout too dramatically, but they will be fine. They actually have a beautiful fur type. I’m surprised there’s even a listing for them.”

“They are very cute,” Dedue agreed, passing the phone back to him. 

Dimitri took it, scrolling through the gallery. They appeared to be bonded, several photos devoted to depicting them shoved into a hammock together, their noses poking just over the edge and their tails sticking out toward the back. 

“If you want me to reach out, I can,” Dedue said.

Dimitri continued to scroll through the pictures again, eventually walking toward the cage. He imagined them in there, eating from the food bowl, piling in the little wooden house, scrambling down the ramps. He nodded his head, returning to Dedue and asking him to make the phone call.

*

Dedue took out the sweaters from the top of their closet, declaring that the day they were picking up their rats was also the unofficial day of their fall and winter wardrobe.

There was a part of Dimitri that was relieved. He was glad that he had a sweater to hide in, nervous to have to interact with the foster parent before they brought their new pets home. He even wore jeans for the occassion, trying to ignore Dedue’s stare at he watched him set his belt at his waist.

They checked the cage one last time before they grabbed the carrier and left the apartment, walking toward Dedue’s car. They stayed close, the chill of autumn set into Dimitri’s bones as soon as they were outside. They got comfortable in the car, Dedue turning on the heat without even having to be asked.

The drive to the foster parent was pleasant, Dimitri devoting most of the time trying to focus on the trees. They were just beginning to turn, the green leaves dulling into yellow.

It was a good season. At least, it was a good season when you had a husband who appreciated spending quality time during it. He was hopeful that his health and his mind would not sabotage the days they could spend apple picking and nights sipping warm cider together. He supposed that they would just have to wait and see.

“We have to come up with names,” Dedue noted.

“I suppose you’re not much of a fan of Helium, Neon, and Krypton?” Dimitri asked. He couldn’t say that he was tethered to the names they were listed as either, but he was too focused on acquiring the rats first before he could even remotely think about what they could be renamed as.

“I can’t say I am,” Dedue admitted, scrunching his nose.

“Do you have any ideas?”

Dedue quirked his lips, refusing to take his eyes off the road. “I might have a theme. But I think I would like to meet them first.”

“That’s a good point. We need to have a better read on their personalities.” He was certain that if most people heard their conversation, they would assume they were speaking about human children. Even if it was an impossibility, he appreciated how warm it made him feel. 

This was a compromise. He was learning to get better at accepting things like this nowadays. He could long for so many things, but it was nice to be in the present with someone he loved, an empty carrier at his feet that was soon going to full of three cute rats they were going to spoil as best as they could.

The GPS politely confirmed that they had arrived at their destination. It appeared to be a cheerful looking house, complete with light blue siding and a nicely manicured porch. It took until that moment for Dimitri to realize that the whole premise of this was a bit absurd. At the end of the day, they were being expected to come to someone’s house and hope that the rescue organization was legitimate enough that they were not going to have something unsavory happen. Dimitri found himself freeze in place, Dedue getting out of the car and opening up the door for him.

“Are you nervous?” Dedue asked.

Dimitri nodded.

“I am, too,” Dedue confessed, “But… this is going to be worth it.”

Dimitri smiled, reaching out toward him and following Dedue’s lead to slip out of the car and follow him toward the front door. Dimitri stayed behind Dedue, trying to appear casual by shoving his hands in his pockets. Dedue knocked on the door and they waited, watching someone poke their head through the curtains before the lock of the door popped and it swung open.

“Are you here for the rats?” the person asked. 

Dimitri raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure what he imagined when Dedue began his correspondence with this person, who was presumably Henry. Even then, he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to anticipate that he was someone in a black and purple hoodie with stark white hair. 

“Yes, are you Henry?” Dedue asked.

“Yep!” Henry replied, giggling, “Come on in!”

He opened up the door, Dedue and Dimitri entering it. The home looked cozy, complete with wood pandeling that took up most of the living room they entered. Attached to the walls were portraits of animals and children in sailor suits, every single one of them illustrated with exaggerated big eyes. They unsettled Dimitri somewhat, making him feel like he was being watched until he heard rustling. He turned his head and noticed a large cage much like the one in their apartment, one rat grabbing a block of food while the others were fast asleep in their hammocks.

Dimitri immediately raced toward the cage, spotting the three Dedue and he were hoping to take at the bottom of the cage. One of them marched toward a soda box, the block of food in their mouths.

“You want to meet the kids?” Henry asked.

“We would love to,” Dedue said.

Henry sat them down at the sofa, which was a beautiful gold pattern with dark brown detailing that made Dimitri wonder if it was acquired at some estate sale or something equally stuffy. He seemed to remember that neither of them had rats before and he was helpful going over how they should go about interacting with them.

“Honestly, just let them crawl on you and don’t yell or anything. They’ll get used to you,” he said, already opening up the cage. He put his hand in it confidently, fishing the rats out from their hiding places, juggling all three of them in his hands. He kissed the top of their heads, cooing calming phrases to them before he plopped them unceremoniously in Dimitri’s lap.

“Oh!” Dimitri exclaimed, watching them spill across him, their noses twitching as they sniffed the air. They began to explore, walking over his and Dedue’s legs without any hesitation.

Henry explained to them that he had been handling them daily, which probably explained why they seemed unafraid of these new visitors. 

“What can you tell about their personalities?” Dimitri asked. He opened up his mouth to expand upon the question, yelping when he felt something pull on his sleeve. He looked down and watched one of them shimmy up to his shoulder. He held his breath, unable to decide what to do.

“They’re all pretty friendly,” Henry said, “As you can see. I don’t want to give you certain expectations, though, but I think you’ll figure it out yourself.”

The rat hiffed in Dimitri’s ear. He gasped, pressing his face again Dedue’s as the rat seemed perfectly content to shove his nose in for a brief moment before he adjusted himself onto Dimitri’s shoulder.

“Congratulations,” Henry said, “You’re a natural rat jungle gym.”

Dimitri smiled, feeling the rat’s nose push against his jaw. He brushed his lips on the top of the rat’s head, Dedue leaning in to kiss his other shoulder. They both froze, remembering that they were in front of a stranger.

Henry just giggled. “Nah, it’s cool. I’m glad they’re going somewhere that people like each other. They pick up on people’s energy really well.”

Dimitri nodded, smiling dreamily as he ran his hand down the back of one of the other rats. There were plenty of things in his life that he never thought he would be able to anticipate. The pain, the loss, even the joy he experienced every day was just not what a child assumed their life would be when they were growing up in the shelter and love of their father. He certainly didn’t think that he was going to find a shaky sense of completion watching a trio of rats skitter around, totally content in the presence of his husband and himself.

He found himself so caught up in the moment he didn’t realize Dedue had gotten up, left the home, grabbed the carrier, and returned until he saw Dedue reach over and grab one of the rats.

“Just shove them inside,” Henry instructed, “They’re bonded, so they’ll get over it.”

Dimitri watched Dedue plop the rat inside, Dimitri copying him with the one that was on his shoulder. Dedue grabbed the final one, wincing when he placed him over his brothers before closing the door and passing the carrier to Dimitri. Dimitri hugged it close, only letting it go to get up from the couch and quickly brought it close to him again.

They said their goodbyes to Henry and returned to their car, Dimitri unable to take his eyes away from the mesh of the carrier. The rats looked nervous, but appeared fairly still, their noses twitching furiously as they sniffed the fresh air.

Dedue stopped in front of his car, bending down to wave at them. He immediately frowned, saying, “Hello,” to them before he muttered, “I forgot they probably can’t see me.”

Dimitri laughed, lowering the carrier before he leaned in to kiss Dedue. “Thank you for pushing for them,” he said against Dedue’s lips.

“Thank you for trusting me enough,” Dedue replied, kissing him one more time. “Let’s get in the car before they freeze.”

Dimitri nodded, the two of them working together to get Dimitri inside the car, the carrier in his lap. Dedue started the car, the two of them quiet as Dimitri watched the boys curl up together, their eyes growing heavy and eventually shutting tight.

Dimitri felt something stir deep within his chest. It was a feeling that came out rarely, like when he saw children playing too close to the road or when he saw a scraggly stray cat rush down the street. It swelled up toward his throat, nearly forcing him to say, “I love them so much,” with the same weight he imagined he would have shown if he was able to have a child of his own.

*

They arrived home, the two of them anxiously entering the apartment and nearly running toward the cage. Dedue opened one of the doors as Dimitri bent down to carefully open up the carrier. 

“Should we just pull them out?” Dimitri asked, but the boys were already alert, sticking their heads out cautiously. He yelped, Dedue quickly grabbing two of them and tossing them inside. Dimitri took the third and placed him on a different level, closing the door of the cage and watching them explore their new environment.

“Do you think they have enough hammocks?” Dimitri asked.

“For now,” Dedue replied. He sat down next to Dimitri, bringing his arm over his shoulder and pulling him close. 

Dimitri gasped. “We need to name them!” he exclaimed. “You have to tell me the idea you had for how we should name them!”

Dedue nodded. “Yes, of course,” he agreed. He readjusted his sitting position, his knee bonking against Dimitri’s. “I was thinking we could name them after herbs.” He rubbed the back of his head, quickly looking away from Dimitri. “It’s just… I figured you can’t go wrong with names like that. But… there’s something nice about naming something that’s useful and good. Grown from the earth and able to withstand certain elements, but still so delicate.”

“It seems quite fitting to name such a creature with that sort of name,” Dimitri replied.

“I’m glad you think so,” Dedue said, positively beaming from the affirmation. “I’ll pull up some ideas.”

Dimitri found his attention divided, wanting to watch their new pets explore, but also wanting to focus on Dedue, who had apparently created a shortlist of herbs. They went through the list scrupulously, focusing on each rat and seeing which one, if any was a decent fit for them.

They eventually found them. The one that had perched on Dimitri’s shoulder became Cinnamon, in honor of how welcoming he was. Dimitri also couldn’t resist suggesting it, because it reminded him of the scents Dedue tended to gravitate toward, the thought providing a coziness that settled deep in his body. 

When they gave the boys snacks to try, they declared one of Cinnamon’s brothers to be Cilantro, because he was particularly picky with their selection of vegetables. It was in honor of how controversial the herb tasted, even if Dimitri himself had no idea which camp he would have fallen under if he had the ability to taste. 

It took them observing the last rat for the rest of the night, but he was given the name Parsley. Dimitri didn’t quite understand the reasoning until Dedue explained that it was an herb that could be leaned on, consistently used in a variety of dishes and celebrated for it. Dimitri watched how Parsley tended to be content following, always in the middle of everything, but never leading quite like Cinnamon or Cilantro. 

“Did you know some rats can recognize their own names?” Dimitri asked.

Dedue smiled. “I had no idea. We will have to make sure they learn theirs as soon as they can.” He proceeded to greet each one by their name, Dimitri joining him in the chorus of “Hello, Cinnamon! Hello, Parsley! Hello, Cilantro!” until both of their voices developed the notable scratch of overuse.

“We have to tell the group chat,” Dedue pointed out.

“Oh! You’re right!” Dimitri exclaimed, grabbing his phone. “I can’t believe I forgot!” He attempted to take several photos, checking through them and realizing that each one was quite blurry. He frowned, repeating the motion several times and was still unable to quite get all three of them in focus.

“Dimitri, are you all right?” Dedue asked.

“I keep screwing up the photo,” Dimitri mumbled. He felt dread begin to blossom deep within him and he became terrified that he was going to find a way to sabotage the night, “They just keep… moving.” He gritted his teeth, trying again.

“I’m sure there will be plenty of photos. We can send a blurry one for now,” Dedue suggested.

Dimitri lowered his phone, trying to remember one of the exercises that Lynn daught him during one of their therapy sessions. The issue was that he couldn’t get a focused picture of all three rats at the same time. If he couldn’t get a group shot, then surely he could get individual photos

“I think I have an idea,” he said, focusing his camera on each individual rat. It took several times, but he was able to get portraits of each of them, uploading the photos onto the Blue Lions group chat. 

“You figured it out,” Dedue commended him, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

Dimitri smiled, feeling his face warm up. “I did, didn’t I?” he asked.

A silence fell between the two of them, but it was far from unwelcome.

*

Several days later, Dedue and Dimitri were setting up a laptop on the coffeetable, grabbing each rat and placing them on the couch. Dimitri reached over and sent a message to Felix, confirming that he was ready to chat. Felix eventually gave confirmation, but made no effort to start a video call.

Felix had asked to chat the day before. Dimitri was curious, no longer able to recall the last time that he ever offered to be the person who reached out. Dimitri attempted to down play how stressed he was about the call, even though Dedue was well aware. While Dimitri appreciated the openness they were continuing to work on, he was glad that Dedue knew when to not pry in hopes of preventing Dimitri from unraveling.

In this moment, Dedue was sighing. “I suppose he’s waiting on us to start the call,” Dedue murmured, clicking the appropriate button before he sat on the arm of the chair. As their camera view flashed on, Dimitri shook his head. He could only assume that Dedue was purposely attempting to keep himself as out of the shot as possible, the camera only able to capture his legs and some of his torso.

Felix picked up, crouched over at his computer chair. Sylvain was in the process of rolling his own chair over, resting his chin on Felix’s shoulder before he said, “Hey, guys… wait, is that thing dangling by the tail their balls?”

Dimitri rubbed his face. He should have known that Sylvain would have appeared at some point during the call and that he was going to say something preposterous. 

“Yes, Sylvain. They’re intact males,” Dedue said quietly. 

Sylvain leaned back on his chair, nearly falling out of it as he began laughing, Felix rolling his eyes before he said, “They’re as hideous as they look in the photos.”

Dimitri frowned. “Please don’t say such a thing about our sons,” he snapped, unable to maintain his composure and grinning. He watched Felix, wondering if he could figure out the intention behind the phone call just by studying his blurry image. 

“Sons… for fuck’s sake,” Felix grumbled. “What does that make them to us?”

“Uh…” Dimitri started, turning toward Dedue. He was the one that always thought on his feet far better. 

“Your nephews,” Dedue concluded, unable to resist a short laugh when Felix brought his arms over his head and groaned.

“Well, sounds great. We’ll be sure to spoil them rotten,” Sylvain said. He waved and said, “I’m gonna duck out. But it was great seeing you two.”

“I think I will, as well,” Dedue noted. He and Sylvain said their goodbyes, Sylvain disappearing from view as Dedue left for the bedroom. Dimitri smiled nervously, stroking Parsley.

“Hi, Felix,” Dimitri said, focusing on how soft Parsley felt against his fingers. The rat seemed entirely relaxed, sprawling out across his lap.

“Hey,” Felix said, “You look absolutely ridiculous. I hope you know that.”

Dimitri smiled, checking the humbnail of himself in the corner of the screen. Cinnamon had climbed up on the back of the couch, darting just behind his head. Cilantro found a thread sticking out of the hem of his shirt and was tugging at it.

“I’m sure I do,” Dimitri said, “But I’m happy.”

“Are you now?” Felix asked, “Or is this another one of those grand lies you tell yourself and we all have to buy into it, too?”

Dimitri pressed his lips together, trying to truly parse together what Felix said. He cycled through the potential emotions he was feeling, stuck on fear. He had to find a way to reassure him.

“I am,” Dimitri confirmed, “I think they were what we needed.”

“Fine,” Felix said. He stared, his eyes seeming like they were following Cinnamon race across the couch again. His lip curled, eventually grumbling, “They would be cuter without their weird tails.”

Dimitri laughed, making sure to lift Parsley’s and show it off. “I think they’re quite charming!”

“You are  _ so _ fucking weird,” Felix sniped, even though each word appeared to be devoid of its typical amount of venom. 

Dimitri couldn’t wait any longer, unable to resist asking Felix, “I enjoy speaking with you, but I am curious if there was anything you wanted to talk about?”

Felix shrugged. “I wanted to satisfy my curiosity, I guess.”

“Is it satisfied?” Dimitri asked. He located Cilantro and pet him roughly, grateful that he didn’t seem to be uncomortable by the gesture.

“Yeah, I think so,” Felix said. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and said, “Well, I got work to do, so I’m probably going to end the call.”

Dimitri felt his smile falter. This was the closest they had been to friends in years and he became suddenly terrified that he was going never have this moment again. 

He pulled his hand away from Cilantro, balling it into a fist. That wasn’t true. He couldn’t quite provide reasoning as to why it wasn’t true, but decided it anyway. He could come up with a plan later. “It was nice seeing you,” Dimitri said, picking up Cilantro and waving his paw.

“Disgusting,” Felix hissed, ending the call immediately.

Dimitri kissed the top of Cilantro’s head before placing him down, giving him a few pets for good measure. He stayed seated, waiting for Dedue to stick his head out from the room before asking, “You’re done?”

“Yes. It was a short conversation,” Dimitri said.

“I think the achievement is that you had a conversation at all,” Dedue said.

“You’re right,” Dimitri said, unable to hide that the sentiment was enough to make him tear up. He sniffed, letting a tear roll down his cheek.

Dedue returned to the couch, wiping away Dimitri’s tear and kissing the track it left. “Would you and the boys like to keep me company while I prepare dinner?”

Dimitri picked up Parsley and Cilantro, kissing their stomachs before he said, “I think we would love that very much.” 

Dedue plucked Cinnamon from behind the couch, pressing his lips against his head before he gave him to Dimitri. Dimitri placed them in the pocket of his hoodie, making sure they were secure before he got up and followed Dedue into the kitchen.

Dedue began to prepare for the meal, Dimitri rubbing the ears of whichever rat was willing to indulge him. 

“You’re such a natural with them,” Dedue said, passing a few of the carrots he was chopping over toward Dimitri. Dimitri brought them to the rats, watching them carefully grab them from his hand before they tucked them deep in the pocket of his hoodie.

“You are, as well,” Dimitri said, “I’ve seen you take Cinnamon around for a few rides on your shoulder recently.”

“I still need to work a bit harder to earn Parsley and Cilantro’s trust, I’m afraid,” Dedue admitted. 

“But you will,” Dimitri told him, “I am certain of it.”

Dedue turned toward him, flashing a brilliant smile his way. Dimitri found himself overwhelmed, unable to resist saying, “I love you so much,” before feeling his cheeks warm up.

“I love you, too,” Dedue said, “Thank you for building this life with me.”

Dimitri was ready to remind him of the darkness that came with this life, until he felt a rat bump his hand in hopes of finding extra carrots. He felt the rat brush his tongue against his skin, causing him to gasp, but not pull his hand away.

This life was a compromise, but it was the best possible one. Even if it wasn’t perfect, it was full. It featured a moment like this with smells from the pans that Dedue began to combine ingredients in flowing through the kitchen,  _ their _ kitchen. Their kitchen, which was cozy and warm, even if he winced when he saw the standing mixer sometimes. Dedue hummed a song that Dimitri didn’t know, his tone steady and pleasant over the sound of sizzling oil. Their children relaxed against Dimitri, their weight grounding him. This was the compromise Dedue deserved and maybe even he did, as well.

This was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> _"And it's not like the love that they show us on TV  
>  It's a home that can burn  
> It's a limb to freeze  
> It's worry  
> Love is worry  
> Yeah"_


End file.
